


3 times merlin lost someone, 1 time he didn't

by solopigeon



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: F/M, Gwen is a Good Friend, M/M, endgame merlin/gwaine
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-11
Updated: 2019-11-11
Packaged: 2021-01-27 20:44:03
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,832
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21398380
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/solopigeon/pseuds/solopigeon
Summary: merlin's past loves and losses.basically the story of merlin's love life.
Relationships: Freya/Merlin (Merlin), Gwaine/Merlin (Merlin), Gwen/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Arthur Pendragon (Merlin), Merlin/Will (Merlin)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 82





	3 times merlin lost someone, 1 time he didn't

It all starts with Merlin. And it will end with him as well.

Merlin, the awkward black-haired boy, with blue eyes and ears that stick out from his head. Merlin, who knows that he's different, but doesn't realize that that difference is what makes him special. They laugh at him, all of the village children. They call him names and taunt him, the shouts of “girl” and “freak” that follow him wherever he goes.

Will and Merlin meet when they are 10 years old. Will is his first friend. He sits with Merlin in the shadows of his room after school, holding his hands as he cries. He comforts him. Will makes Merlin feel not alone for the first time in his life. They trust each other more than anyone else.

When they are 14, they realize that there's something more, something beyond friendship. Merlin knows he's in love with Will on a saturday afternoon. They are laying in a field on the outskirts of town, weaving daisy chains and soaking in the summer sun. Will laughs and ties his daisy chain around Merlin’s head, so that he's wearing a daisy crown. And Merlin notices that Will's eyes aren't all brown, but grey and green as well. And there's this feeling, that runs through his bones and through his entire body. A feeling that he can only describe as love.

When they are 15, Merlin shows Will that he has magic, because Will is the only one he trusts and the only one that he can be real with. When Will’s around, Merlin is just free to be himself. It's late at night, and they're lying entwined on Merlin’s bed, and he nuges Will with his shoulder and says that he wants to show him something. Will sits up and watches in amazement as Merlin whispers a spell, and vines begin to grow around his fingers. But when Will looks at Merlin, he sees that there are tears in his eyes. so he takes Merlin’s hand and the vines grow around him too, locking their hands together as the only wall that was between them crumbles.

Merlin is 16 when Will dies. and the grief that tears through his entire being is more powerful than any force in the world. All of a sudden, he's back to living in grey and sadness. A world of loneliness. His eyes are permanently rimmed red from his tears; he doesn't eat for weeks; the only person he speaks to is his mother, who tries her best to understand, but in truth she could never understand. She says that he should move on, that his grief will bring him nothing. She is right, in a sense, but Merlin still sits on the floor of his room, tears staining his cheeks as he remembers. but eventually, time fades away his sorrow as it does all things. His mother begs him to go to Camelot, to start a new life, to forget. She says that she knows someone there, Gaius, who can help him with his magic. After weeks he finally agrees to go. 

He's 17 when he starts his new life in the kingdom of Camelot. He shares a living space with Gaius, the kind old court physician, who teaches him about magic and helps Merlin adjust to this new life. He befriends Gwen, the kind servant of Lady Morgana. He becomes the servant to prince Arthur, the king’s son and heir to the throne of Camelot. Arthur is a prat, but Merlin is sworn to protect him. Or so says the dragon in the dungeon who confuses and helps him at the same. Arthur is your destiny he says, and Merlin can't help but laugh, because how can this idiot, this complete buffoon, be Merlin's destiny? But still, he continues to protect Arthur with his magic, even though it is banned. And some days he wonders why he does this, why he's risking his life to protect this dollophead just because he's been told to. At some point, it becomes a familiar part of everything. Arthur, Camelot, it's not so new and foreign, but instead Merlin’s home. And he goes with Arthur on every journey out of Camelot, whether it's just a border patrol or quest to save the kingdom. No matter what, Merlin is always by Arthur’s side.

He's 18 when he realizes that there is something more, with Arthur. Something that he hasn't felt in 3 years, but what feels like ages. He's been consumed with sadness and then work, and he's forgotten, what it feels like to love. One day they are on patrol, just the two of them, and Arthur stops them in a field. Come here, he says, and lays down. Merlin lays down next to him, and all of a sudden Arthur’s hands are on his waist and his lips on Merlin’s. And they stay like that for a while. When they break apart, Merlin decides to classify this feeling as sunshine. Pure, unfiltered sunshine. And Arthur smiles, and tucks a daisy behind Merlin’s ear. And he's so happy, that he doesn't remember until later that daisies remind him of Will, until later, when he cries in Gaius’ arms and Gaius doesn't ask why, he just holds Merlin until the day fades away. 

It's different, loving Arthur. It's fun, its flirtatious, it's passionate. It's tricky, having to hide, but they find a way. Merlin sneaks into Arthur's chambers after hours, and they fall onto his bed a tangle of limbs, teeth and tongue. They talk about anything and everything, Merlin’s head on Arthur’s chest, Arthur’s hand trailing a line up and down Merlin’s stomach. It's nice to be loved again, even if they have to hide. It's nice to have Arthur pull him aside and steal kisses in the corridors of the castle, to have that feeling of adrenaline in the pit of his stomach. He hasn't loved anyone since Will, and now that he looks back he realizes how young he was then. How naive and small minded he was then. He thought that him and Will, they could burn the world. Now Merlin realizes that Arthur’s the one to save it. 

He knows it can’t last, but that doesn’t make it any less painful when it ends. He sneaks into Arthur’s room at night like he usually does, but it’s different. Arthur doesn’t smile at Merlin or kiss him, he just stares. He tells Merlin that they can't go on like this, there’s too much at stake. That if the king finds out the crown prince has been sleeping with his servant, he’ll be disgraced. And just like that, it's over. The next weeks are awkward but bearable. Merlin tries to convince himself that he didn't really love Arthur anyways, that it's better this way. But he gets hung up on people too easily, he realizes that now. And it takes him time to realize that it is for the better. Maybe this is what the dragon meant when he said that arthur was Merlin's destiny. Maybe this is the best way Merlin can protect him and the future of Camelot. 

He's 20 when he meets Freya. She’s sweet and kind and quiet; he finds that they balance each other out quite well. She’s different, she’s like him. They’re both outsiders, freaks, living illegally in a kingdom that hates their kind. Merlin sneaks down to the room under the castle where Freya lives, and they talk until the early hours of the morning. Merlin wonders if he's attracted to girls, or just to her. And even if he does like girls, it's more about her personality anyways. They match. For once, Merlin has someone who he can be completely transparent with. He hasn't been able to be truly himself since he was 15, galavanting through fields with Will back home. She makes him forget, for a while, about Will and about Arthur. And it's so, so good. And yet, it doesn't last. Nothing ever does when it comes to Merlin. 

Freya dies, 3 weeks after they meet. Merlin buries her out in the lake by the edge of camelot. And for weeks after, he can barely function. He doesn't understand how he can miss someone that he barely knew. Gwen is the first to notice that there’s something wrong. She invites him over to her house, and he ends up telling her about Will and about Freya, because Gwen’s just like that, one of those people you can trust to pour your heart out to. He doesn't tell her about Arthur, he can't. Gwen holds him as he shakes and wipes the tears off his face. She tells him that it's ok to feel sad, that it'll be over soon. And in that moment, she reminds him of his mother so much that he can barely stand it. 

A year later, Gwen tells Merlin that her and Arthur are in love. By this time, Merlin’s done grieving over Freya and Arthur, but some part of it still hurts him. Gwen’s a servant like him, and yet it's ok for Arthur to love her. Merlin wonders if it's because he's a boy, and even if Gwen is in a different social class than Arthur, it's less complicated to explain because Gwen is a girl. Arthur tells him too, and Merlin has to pretend like he didn't already know. He has to sit there and watch Arthur give him this whole claim evidence reasoning type speech, and Merlin doesn't know how to react. He just says, ok, and moves on. Cause what can he do but move on? His mother is right, dwelling on things will not make his situation better. He's loved so much, he doesn't think he has any emotion left to spend on anything or anyone. Maybe it's better, because Merlin realizes that most everybody he loves ends up getting hurt. Minus Arthur, of course; Merlin is always there to save him with his magic. But with Will and with Freya, their deaths still weighed heavy on his mind. So Merlin closes himself off to everyone. For a while, he's fine, but in reality, he's just an empty shell of himself, laughing and smiling along with everyone else, even though he really doesn't mean it. And that’s fine. Because he's not getting hurt, and no one else is either. 

He’s 23 when he meets Gwaine. Him and Arthur were at a tavern after a long journey, and some drunk asshole had decided to make them enemies. There was no way Merlin could beat these guys without magic, and him and arthur alone had no chance. But thats when Gwaine appeared, a smiling, happy, chaotic mess of energy. And Merlin felt this pull towards him, deep in his gut. After the fight had blown over, Gwaine was injured, and in an effort to repay him, Arthur decided to bring him back to Camelot with them so that Gaius could heal him. And after, when Gwaine wakes up, Merlin realizes that he's drawn to him like a moth to a flame. All it takes is a smile, and Merlin knows that he's doomed. 

Gwaine and Merlin become fast friends in the short time that Gwaine stays in Chamalot. There's something about Gwaine that Merlin can't just describe, this ease that makes Merlin feel like he's known Gwaine his entire life. And even as they grow closer, Merlin tries to not get too attached. He knows now that he loses everyone he loves; Will and Freya gone, Arthur just out of his grasp. And it's so hard, keeping Gwaine at a distance, because Merlin’s pretty sure that Gwaine flirts with everything that breathes. He's never sure if Gwaine is smiling at him, or just smiling in general. Gwaine comes and goes from Chamalot often, and Merlin lives for the days when he can take the night off and he and Gwaine go to all the pubs they can in one night, Gwaine getting absolutely smashed and merlin laughing at all his bad drunken jokes. In those moments, Merlin’s never been happier. 

Even though Merlin wants to, he never lets Gwaine get too close. He cares enough about him to know that it'll only end up in disaster. The thought nags at him every time Gwaine smiles at him. So when Gwaine asks Merlin if he wants to hang out after Merlin gets of work, he instantly cautious. Gwaine comes up to his room, his little corner in Gaius’ workspace, with a bottle of wine and a basket of food stolen from the palace kitchens. They talk and talk and talk, until Gwaine leans in. and Merlin lets him, savoring the feel of Gwaine's lips against his. And then Merlin pulls away, watching as the smile on Gwaine’s lips fall into a look of confusion. And even though Merlin knows he should, he doesn't run away or explain, he just sits there, staring at Gwaine. And when Gwaine asks him what's wrong, all merlin can do is shake his head no no no, cause he loves Gwaine too much to hurt him, just like he's hurt everyone else he’s loved. He tells Gwaine that he’ll just end up hurting him. Gwaine smiles sadly and replies that he's been hurt before, he’ll get over it. Merlin can't believe that this man, this beautiful, kind, smiling man, still wants him. 

And Gwaine continues to want him, even after Merlin told him about Freya, even after he told him about Will. He's one of the only people he's talked to about Will, he tells Gwaine about all the highs and the lows of his life. And Gwaine listens to him, whole heartedly. Gwaine begins to stay in Chamalot more often, staying in Merlin's room instead of a guest room. And Merlin spends every waking moment trying to soak up as much of Gwaine’s sunshine as he can. He's never been happier, with his hands in Gwaine's hair and his name on Merlin’s lips. There's something here that he’s never felt before. It scares him, sometimes, when they get too close, when things are too good, and he’ll distance himself from Gwaine for a while. And even though Gwaine says over and over again that he won't hurt him, that the past is in the past, Merlin doesn't fully believe him. He just tries to savor the small things; the feeling of Gwaine’s lips, his hands, his brilliant smile. And slowly, Merlin finally lets himself be happy.

And Gwaine continues to want him, even after Merlin shows him that he has magic. They're lying in Merlin’s cramped bed, both too lazy to get up and close the curtains to keep the sun from shining in their faces. So Merlin decides, why not now, and with a flick of his hand, the curtains close. Gwiane just sighs and tells him that's much better, and kisses Merlin deeper. Merlin decides this is why he loves Gwaine, because he doesn't make a big deal out of it, because he just accepts Merlin for who he is. And for the rest of the day, Merlin can't stop smiling. It's infectious; he sees Gwaine, and his lips automatically stretch into a grin. And he thinks to himself that this is the happiest he's ever been. 

Gwaine was right in the end, Merlin doesn't end up hurting him. He doesn't die, or break up with Merlin, they just continue on. Gaius knows, of course, and he makes sure that they don't get caught by the palace guards. Although it's not explicit, Merlin’s pretty sure that homosexuality isnt approved of in Chamelot. He does tell Gwen, because Gwen is his dearest friend; he tells her over dinner one night and Gwen can't stop smiling because she’s so glad that Merlin’s finally found someone who truly loves him. He makes her swear not to tell Arthur, because that would cause all kinds of problems, him being the king now and all. Gwaine becomes a knight of Camelot, which makes him so incredibly happy. Gwaine had never had a solid life before this; he'd gotten used to wandering the lands and finding work where he could. This was a guarantee that he had a life here, in Camelot, with Merlin. Together, they create a life in the shadows. And even though the days are long and the work is hard for both of them, they've never been happier. Gwaine tells merlin one night while they lay together in bed, that all this fighting and perolis adventure is worth it to come back to him. Merlin smiles and says he feels the same way. It's worth hiding, because in the end, they get each other. And as Merlin begins to drift off to sleep, he realizes that Gwaine is all he needs, that he would trade everything in the world for this simple life, for this kind, beautiful man and his brilliant smile. For Gwaine.

**Author's Note:**

> hi! I've been working on this since April so I hope y'all liked it!


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